God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
