if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
