I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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