So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
