I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
