**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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