yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Randomize
