Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
