cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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