Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
