i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You have to summon your inner elephant
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
