Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
