i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
