Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
