My friends, they love my intelligence
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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