Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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