did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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