just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
