you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
