Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
