Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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