Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
