I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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