someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
