I can text with my tongue
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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