Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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