i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
