i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
