I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
