My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
