I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
