I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
