1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
