i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
