Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
