just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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