My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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