Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
stop calling my apartment porn island.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
