I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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