I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Vodka?
Forever.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
