life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
