if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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