this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
