I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
this boner is exhausting
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
