So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Randomize
