so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
