I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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