I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
