Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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