so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
