cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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